Now I ate a candy bar the other day, and something on the side of it caught my attention.
To my great annoyance, the side of this miniature chocolate said "Fun Size".
Jim Blow brings you....CANDY BAR SIZES and the problems therein.
Now we'll start small, and work our way up.
Bite Size--Who are they trying to kid? Nobody just eats one of these! If I get these, I have to get a package, and eat several of them to feel like I've actually eaten in junk food at all. Furthermore, it should be renamed Diet Size, because only people trying to cut back on delicious intake would actually limit themselves to a prize of a bite sized candy. It isn't even a candy bar, because it's too small to be considered a bar. More like a soften drop!
Fun Size--Now I have nothing against this name, except that it shouldn't be assigned to this treat. Fun size sounds awesome, and at my stature, makes sense. It's fun! Yay. But you have to be kidding me! There is nothing about this tiny treat that's fun. My idea of fun is a chocolate hot tub, with fruits I can dip inside. This should be the candy renamed to Bite Size. It's difficult to limit yourself to one here, and whoop-dee-soften-doo, what next?
King Size--Woah, this thing's big, and clearly fit for a name. But who would actually want to eat this much of a candy in one sitting? The problem is that this is too much, and the ones above are too small. We need a Medium Size. Seeing this candy bar we start to salivate like Pavlov's Dog. But when it comes down to it, owning it and eating it are different sports. To have a box of King sized candies provides an ideal sense of accomplishment and power, but when one is forced to feast, they'd sooner eat that broccoli leftover from dinner!*
Family Size--Now how does one measure a family? Are we talking Chinese families or Utahn families? There's a big difference. And how many does each person get? Do they individually package these for particular families? I doubt it. This is just a bad idea to cause brotherly contention in the home where sharing is enforced.
Sharing Size--Who actually wants to share this giant bag of chocolates? Who are they trying to kid? This ought to be renamed to Hoard Size. What a great name. You can hoard it like a Dragon's hoard, which makes the whole thing pretty sick. If they put this new name on a bag of rotting peas, somebody would buy it. What a great idea. But really, who are you going to give some of this stash to? Every piece you give away is a piece you no longer have.
Party Size--Hey! Fiesta! It's a Party! We love it! Exclamation Point. Aiight, so it's party sized, we get it. But what the heck are we supposed to do with this? I guess Introverted people like myself can't partake of this sweet gift... Come on, we love this one, but half this giant package is full of air, soooo...
That about sizes up this situation.
Jim Blow Out!
*I don't have anything against broccoli. It's one of my favorite raw foods, accompanied by raw potatoes and raw carrots.
