Well, thinking up this post deprived me of several hours of sleep, but I finally have it! No, not insomnia. Pick-Up lines.
Behold! Jim Blow's GEEK PICK-UP LINES based on either LOTR or Harry Potter!
1. There must be orcs nearby, cuz you're glowing.
2. Wanna go to Mordor? Cuz you're my Preciouss!
3. Are you sure you're a muggle? Cuz you've got a spell on me.
4. Are you a Holcrux? Cuz you've stolen part of my soul.
Saturday, March 26, 2016
Wednesday, March 23, 2016
Lord of Unfortunate Events book 1 part 1
My favorite book series of all time--not even my own novels--is the Series of Unfortunate Events by Lemony Snicket, which I highly recommend.
Another favorite of mine--which coincidentally was made into a movie just like the series above--is the Lord of the Rings series.
For this blog post you'll have to obtain some degree of understanding of both. That's only if you want to really appreciate everything I'm about to pour into this idea of mine.
First a short background for you people without a library or television. (but you have internet access?) Beware Spoilers and not understanding all the humor and depth to the following blog posts.
SOUE--Turned into a single movie with Jim Carey that I did not particularly care for. There is also a TV show coming out in August with Neil Patrick Harris. (Look back on this blog around that time for my reviews of it.)
Well it's hard to sum up thirteen amazing and hilarious novels. I'll try.
The Baudelaire (Violet, Klaus, and Sunny (listed in descending age)) learn one day that their parents have just been killed in a horrible fire with all their possessions, and their home. They're sent to their distant relative, Count Olaf--a vile and wicked man with no sense of hygiene or humanity. He is after the enormous Baudelaire fortune, which Violet will come into when she comes of age. He will do whatever necessary to retrieve said money.
Most importantly--to this blog post, anyway (though it ends up as a large, unanswered, mystery conspiracy in the books)--Olaf has a tattoo of an eye on his sock-less-ankle. The same eye appears everywhere else in his broken down house.
LOTR--(I've already said so much, so I'll hurry here. We haven't even gotten to the post yet!)
Frodo son of Drogo inherits the home and ring of his uncle Bilbo the Hobbit of the Shire. An old wizard tells Frodo that said ring is the One Ring that the Dark Lord, Sauron, is hunting. Frodo must embark on a quest to destroy the ring.
Most importantly--to this blog post, anyway--there is an Evil Eye in Mordor (where Frodo must go to destroy the ring in mount doom where it was first forged). This eye watches everything out pro- and an- tagonists do. It's evil and wicked and watches everything. It should also be noted that there are Ringwraiths: Nine men turned savage by the rings of power they were given. They hunt the one ring at this point in our story.
Now presenting:
THE LORD OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS book one part one
We start with Gollum--or Smeagol as he once was a Hobbit in the Shire, himself. That was before the Ring poisoned his mind and turned him into a ghastly, gangly creature--in Mordor under the torture of Sauron's Orc army. (Orcs are other creatures boiled up and screwed to be some new breed of evil). Gollum is being tortured for information about the Ring which he used to possess. (It was stolen by Bilbo Baggins and taken back to the shire. It holds the power to make one invisible...among other things). Amid the awful screams only two words could be made out. "Share! Baudelaires!"
One of the Nine Ringwraiths, Count Olaf--as the wraith was when he was a man--cackled. Share? That meant money. And research told him these Baudelaires were recently made orphans. It sounded fine to him. Amongst the family trove and fortune would have to be the one ring he was drawn desperately to. No matter what cost, he'd devise some scheme to get his hands on that fortune, and thus the One Ring.
Settling himself a devious life next door to the honorable Justice Strauss, Olaf waited. The Baudelaires came to him via Mr. Poe, who had taken them in until Olaf could be contacted, and the adjustments made.
Olaf's known associates, who he called his Theatre Troupe, were a villainous band of orcs almost as evil as himself. They were all horribly disfigured because they were Orcs for crying out loud! There was the hook-handed man, better known as Azog the Defiler. And several other random characters like the powder-faced women and a man that looked neither like a man, nor a woman. Or perhaps he looked too much like both. Hard to say. And these were just a few of Olaf's horrible Sauron-following band.
Sauron-followers.
Well, that's what they were. Pledging their allegiance to the Dark Lord, they hungered for the power and treachery of Mordor. However, this place was so very far away from Mordor where the Eye of Sauron watched. Driven crazy--well, crazier--they painted eyes all over the house, and Olaf even tattooed an image of the eye to his ankle between his black shoes and striped pant leg. He wore no socks as a wraith custom.
Now the Ring actually was in the Baudelaire's lives, but it wasn't in the bank with the fortune, like Olaf suspected. The Ring was actually in Klaus' possession. It was one of the only things left unharmed by the fire. (He found it surprisingly cool when he picked it up out of the flames of their home. And was surprised to see something blazing red on the outside. From his readings Klaus knew that this was Elvish, and he translated as best he could. There was a great deal about it being the One Ring, but he wasn't sure what that entailed). Klaus Frodo Baudelaire wore the ring about his neck even now. He soon found that when he wore it, he could be found invisible. This would certainly prove useful in the future.
TO BE CONTINUED
Another favorite of mine--which coincidentally was made into a movie just like the series above--is the Lord of the Rings series.
For this blog post you'll have to obtain some degree of understanding of both. That's only if you want to really appreciate everything I'm about to pour into this idea of mine.
First a short background for you people without a library or television. (but you have internet access?) Beware Spoilers and not understanding all the humor and depth to the following blog posts.
SOUE--Turned into a single movie with Jim Carey that I did not particularly care for. There is also a TV show coming out in August with Neil Patrick Harris. (Look back on this blog around that time for my reviews of it.)
Well it's hard to sum up thirteen amazing and hilarious novels. I'll try.
The Baudelaire (Violet, Klaus, and Sunny (listed in descending age)) learn one day that their parents have just been killed in a horrible fire with all their possessions, and their home. They're sent to their distant relative, Count Olaf--a vile and wicked man with no sense of hygiene or humanity. He is after the enormous Baudelaire fortune, which Violet will come into when she comes of age. He will do whatever necessary to retrieve said money.
Most importantly--to this blog post, anyway (though it ends up as a large, unanswered, mystery conspiracy in the books)--Olaf has a tattoo of an eye on his sock-less-ankle. The same eye appears everywhere else in his broken down house.
LOTR--(I've already said so much, so I'll hurry here. We haven't even gotten to the post yet!)
Frodo son of Drogo inherits the home and ring of his uncle Bilbo the Hobbit of the Shire. An old wizard tells Frodo that said ring is the One Ring that the Dark Lord, Sauron, is hunting. Frodo must embark on a quest to destroy the ring.
Most importantly--to this blog post, anyway--there is an Evil Eye in Mordor (where Frodo must go to destroy the ring in mount doom where it was first forged). This eye watches everything out pro- and an- tagonists do. It's evil and wicked and watches everything. It should also be noted that there are Ringwraiths: Nine men turned savage by the rings of power they were given. They hunt the one ring at this point in our story.
Now presenting:
THE LORD OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS book one part one
We start with Gollum--or Smeagol as he once was a Hobbit in the Shire, himself. That was before the Ring poisoned his mind and turned him into a ghastly, gangly creature--in Mordor under the torture of Sauron's Orc army. (Orcs are other creatures boiled up and screwed to be some new breed of evil). Gollum is being tortured for information about the Ring which he used to possess. (It was stolen by Bilbo Baggins and taken back to the shire. It holds the power to make one invisible...among other things). Amid the awful screams only two words could be made out. "Share! Baudelaires!"
One of the Nine Ringwraiths, Count Olaf--as the wraith was when he was a man--cackled. Share? That meant money. And research told him these Baudelaires were recently made orphans. It sounded fine to him. Amongst the family trove and fortune would have to be the one ring he was drawn desperately to. No matter what cost, he'd devise some scheme to get his hands on that fortune, and thus the One Ring.
Settling himself a devious life next door to the honorable Justice Strauss, Olaf waited. The Baudelaires came to him via Mr. Poe, who had taken them in until Olaf could be contacted, and the adjustments made.
Olaf's known associates, who he called his Theatre Troupe, were a villainous band of orcs almost as evil as himself. They were all horribly disfigured because they were Orcs for crying out loud! There was the hook-handed man, better known as Azog the Defiler. And several other random characters like the powder-faced women and a man that looked neither like a man, nor a woman. Or perhaps he looked too much like both. Hard to say. And these were just a few of Olaf's horrible Sauron-following band.
Sauron-followers.
Well, that's what they were. Pledging their allegiance to the Dark Lord, they hungered for the power and treachery of Mordor. However, this place was so very far away from Mordor where the Eye of Sauron watched. Driven crazy--well, crazier--they painted eyes all over the house, and Olaf even tattooed an image of the eye to his ankle between his black shoes and striped pant leg. He wore no socks as a wraith custom.
Now the Ring actually was in the Baudelaire's lives, but it wasn't in the bank with the fortune, like Olaf suspected. The Ring was actually in Klaus' possession. It was one of the only things left unharmed by the fire. (He found it surprisingly cool when he picked it up out of the flames of their home. And was surprised to see something blazing red on the outside. From his readings Klaus knew that this was Elvish, and he translated as best he could. There was a great deal about it being the One Ring, but he wasn't sure what that entailed). Klaus Frodo Baudelaire wore the ring about his neck even now. He soon found that when he wore it, he could be found invisible. This would certainly prove useful in the future.
TO BE CONTINUED
Thursday, March 17, 2016
Horses in Odd Places 1
After reading the title of this post, you may be thinking what? Or perhaps you prefer more vile language, and so used it.
No matter what your initial reactive words were, you were likely confused at the title?
Can't even spell the title of your own book, you may be thinking to yourself. Or perhaps you shouted it.
Well I can spell, it's my jobb.
BEWARE!! POSSIBLE SPOILERS FOR HEROES IN ODD PLACES MAY OCCASIONALLY OCCUR! GO BUY MY BOOK ON AMAZON BEFORE CONTINUING. It is three dollars on Amazon, and can be found by searching the title on amazon, or by googling "Heroes In Odd Places".
Welcome to the Spoof Book:
No matter what your initial reactive words were, you were likely confused at the title?
Can't even spell the title of your own book, you may be thinking to yourself. Or perhaps you shouted it.
Well I can spell, it's my jobb.
BEWARE!! POSSIBLE SPOILERS FOR HEROES IN ODD PLACES MAY OCCASIONALLY OCCUR! GO BUY MY BOOK ON AMAZON BEFORE CONTINUING. It is three dollars on Amazon, and can be found by searching the title on amazon, or by googling "Heroes In Odd Places".
Welcome to the Spoof Book:
Horses in Odd Places Installment One
By Jim Blow
Prologue:
Blackhawk, Redfang, Greensting, and Bromet the Brown. Never heard of them? That’s probably because they all reside under the occupative name of ‘Horse'. Naturally these aren’t the only Steeds in all the Seven Kingdoms, there are fifty or so more scattered across the land. What do you really know about these creatures? There really is a lot to know. No horse can speak english. They typically have four legs, and great manes. They come in a variety of colors and sizes
Still unsure what a Horse is? Google it. They're really not that difficult to comprehend.
At this point you should know everything you need to know about Horses. Or at least, everything needed to know by this point.
Tuesday, March 15, 2016
HIOP 2
The "Good Guy"
Protagonist
Savior
HERO
Relative terms, as to each is its own.
In his own twisted mind, a "villain" may see himself as a hero.
And anybody can change or transform form one position to the other with ease.
Perspective is everything. Anybody can be a hero. Anyone can be a villain.
Even bounty hunters became heroes in their own way. But that was all for not when Prince Charming came along. Now the BH want revenge. (And revenge is totally underrated, by the way).
THE SEVEN KINGDOMS book 2...
not coming for a really long time.
Protagonist
Savior
HERO
Relative terms, as to each is its own.
In his own twisted mind, a "villain" may see himself as a hero.
And anybody can change or transform form one position to the other with ease.
Perspective is everything. Anybody can be a hero. Anyone can be a villain.
Even bounty hunters became heroes in their own way. But that was all for not when Prince Charming came along. Now the BH want revenge. (And revenge is totally underrated, by the way).
THE SEVEN KINGDOMS book 2...
not coming for a really long time.
Sunday, March 6, 2016
Appraisal CS
At a ten word challenge to describe Contingency Squad, my team of editors said this:
“Convicts, criminals, thieves, and thugs VS thugs, thieves, criminals, and convicts.”
“Thugs, convicts, and criminal masterminds VS deputized thugs, convicts, and criminal masterminds.”
“A riveting tale of expendable con men turned heroes.”
“Government employs convicts to stop terrorists. Friendships, betrayals, adventure, corruption.”
“Semi-corrupt government employs team of skilled convicts to stop terrorists.”
Hey, they're paid to edit, not to count...wait a minute. Actually, they aren't paid at all.
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